I know. Just reading that title alone, something inside of you felt weird, didn’t it?
Because great leaders are not supposed to be selfish, they’re supposed to be selfless. They’re supposed to be servant leaders. They’re supposed to put everyone else first, sacrifice their own needs, and lead from a place of pure altruism.
And all of that? It’s true. But it’s only half the story.
The Problem With Binary Leadership
Part of the problem with leadership is that it’s been viewed in binary terms: you’re either selfish or selfless, either focused on yourself or focused on others. But in my experience, this is a fundamental misunderstanding of what great leadership actually requires.
Leadership isn’t binary. It’s a polarity.
Polarities are interdependent pairs that need each other to function effectively. Think inhaling and exhaling. You can’t choose one over the other; you need both in rhythm. Choose only inhaling, and you’ll suffocate. Choose only exhaling, and you’ll collapse. The same applies to leadership. Selfishness and selflessness aren’t opposites to choose between. They’re interdependent forces that, when held together, create sustainable leadership.
A great leader doesn’t choose between themselves and their team. They look after both. They understand that you cannot pour from an empty cup, that you cannot lead others to places you haven’t been yourself, and that modelling the behaviours you want to see is infinitely more powerful than simply talking about them.
As Parker Palmer wisely observed: “Self-care is never a selfish act it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
The Martyr Complex
We have far too many examples of leaders who talk a good game but do something entirely different when it comes to themselves. They preach work-life balance whilst responding to emails at midnight. They advocate for professional development whilst never investing in their own learning. They champion mental health whilst burning themselves out.
They are martyrs, personally and professionally.
And then they wonder why they’re not fulfilled. They wonder why their teams are disengaged. They wonder why, despite all their “selfless” sacrifice, the results just aren’t there.
It’s because leadership done from the outside in (based on other people, environments, companies you find yourself in, external expectations and outdated playbooks) will always leave you empty.
Great leadership is inside out.
Leading From the Inside Out
When I was 23 years old, I took over a team of people who were at least 15 years older than me. I could have led with authority and position (classic outside-in leadership, relying on the title I’d been given). But I knew that wouldn’t work. Not really. Not in a way that would create genuine transformation.
Instead, to get my team to trust me, I had to trust them first.
I took time getting to know them, not in a superficial, box-ticking way, but genuinely understanding what made them tick. What motivated them. What frustrated them. What they needed from me as their leader.
Even when my manager was questioning my approach because it seemed slow and inefficient, I stayed grounded in it. I knew that building real trust, real relationships, and real understanding couldn’t be rushed.
Six months in, the results spoke for themselves.
Nine months in, I was being asked how this team had turned around so dramatically.
The answer? I was “selfish” enough to lead in a way that felt authentic to me, even when it was unconventional. I was “selfish” enough to trust my instincts over external pressure. And critically, I was “selfish” enough to show up as my whole self, not a watered-down version of what I thought a leader “should” be.
What Selfish Leadership Actually Looks Like
A truly selfish leader (in the healthiest sense of the word) understands several crucial things:
1. Self-Care Isn’t Optional, It’s Essential
You cannot lead effectively if you’re running on empty. Selfish leaders prioritise their physical health, mental wellbeing, and personal growth not because they’re indulgent, but because they recognise these as prerequisites for sustainable leadership.
Think of it like this: a lighthouse doesn’t run around the harbour rescuing boats. It stands firm, maintains its own foundation, keeps its own light burning brightly, and in doing so, guides countless vessels safely to shore. The lighthouse’s “selfishness” in maintaining itself is precisely what makes it valuable to everyone else.
2. They Model, Not Just Mandate
Selfish leaders don’t just talk about learning and evolution; they live it. They share what they’re reading, what they’re struggling with, where they’re growing. They make their development visible, creating permission for their team to do the same.
3. Communication Is Their Superpower
They’re great at sharing: their thinking, their reasoning, their vulnerabilities. They don’t hoard information or hide behind leadership mystique. They bring people along on the journey because they understand that transparency builds trust.
4. They Recognise That Work-Life Balance Is a Myth
The idea that you can perfectly balance work and life in equal measure is nonsense. Life doesn’t work in neat 50/50 splits. But harmony? That’s real. Selfish leaders understand that sometimes work demands more, sometimes life demands more, and the goal is integration and flow, not rigid balance.
5. They Know Burnout Helps No One
If they don’t look after themselves, they’ll burn out. And a burned-out leader cannot grow, cannot develop, cannot innovate, and certainly cannot be the best leader possible, personally or professionally. Selfish leaders understand that protecting their capacity isn’t self-indulgent; it’s strategically essential.
The Permission to Be Selfish
Here’s what I want you to understand: giving yourself permission to be “selfish” in your leadership isn’t about abandoning your team or abdicating your responsibilities. It’s about recognising that you are part of the system you’re trying to optimise.
You cannot remove yourself from the equation and still expect to create sustainable results.
When you take care of yourself (your energy, your growth, your authenticity), you become a better leader. You have more to give. You model the behaviours you want to see. You create a culture where people feel permission to be whole humans, not just productive resources.
“You can’t be a light for others if you’re burning yourself out,” as author and leadership consultant Brené Brown reminds us. And she’s right. Being selfish enough to maintain your own light enables you to be selfless in ways that actually matter.
Real Leadership: The Invisible Impact
Here’s something most people don’t tell you about leadership: real leadership is making decisions that benefit people who’ll never know you made them.
It’s the choice to stay grounded when everything around you is chaos, so your team feels safe. It’s the decision to take that walk at lunch instead of working through it, so you can show up present in the afternoon meeting. It’s the investment in your own therapy or coaching, so you don’t unconsciously project your issues onto your team. It’s the boundary you set on your evening availability, so you model that it’s acceptable (even necessary) for others to do the same.
These are selfish decisions. You make them for yourself, to protect your wellbeing, your capacity, your authenticity.
But they create ripples you’ll never see. The team member who feels brave enough to take a mental health day because you’ve modelled self-care. The colleague who sets a boundary with their own manager because they’ve watched you do it. The person three levels down who’s inspired by the culture you’ve created, even though you’ve never met.
By being selfish, it enables you to be selfless and show up authentically in the best way.
This is the paradox: the more you take care of yourself, the more capacity you have to genuinely care for others. Not from obligation or martyrdom, but from abundance and authenticity.
The Inside-Out Revolution
The leadership revolution we need isn’t about new frameworks, new tools, or new techniques (though those can be useful). The revolution we need is internal.
It’s about leaders who are grounded enough in themselves to lead authentically. Who are “selfish” enough to know what they need and courageous enough to model it. Who understand that the best thing they can do for their team is to show up as fully resourced, fully present, fully human.
That 23-year-old version of me who chose trust over authority? He was being selfish, selfish enough to believe his instincts mattered, that his approach was valid, that leading from the inside out would work even when it was questioned.
And he was right.
So here’s my challenge to you: What would change if you gave yourself permission to be selfish in your leadership?
Not recklessly self-centred. Not indifferent to others. But genuinely committed to looking after yourself with the same care and attention you give to your team.
Because great leaders are selfish. They have to be. Not despite their effectiveness, but as a fundamental part of it.
The question is: are you brave enough to be one?
This concept of selfish leadership is one of the keynotes I deliver to organisations and leadership teams around the world. If you want someone to help your leaders think differently, especially in a world that’s constantly changing, and challenge the outdated narratives that are keeping them stuck, let’s talk.
